Megalodon Megaflop

I like to begin every article I write about sharks with a retrospective to my first “encounter” with one. Like with most kids, it happened through a book. Of course, of all the animals in it, the shark stood out for me. But “stood out” might be a euphemism: here I am writing about this roughly fourteen years later, as if that image of the shark back then cast a spell on me that will leave me mesmerized for the rest of my life-love at first sight!

There is something about sharks that does not leave people indifferent. Of course, as you read this you will want to jump off your feet and yell “Yeah you idiot, we’re just terrified by them!” at me. But think again: it’s not just fear; it’s fascination! The reason why this fascination turns into fear for most people is simply because they grow up. As kids grow into teenagers, their reproductive system kind of takes over their bodies and curiosity about sharks is replaced by curiosity about sex. So fascination takes a step back and degrades into fear. 

And my first problem with Shark Week’s Megalodon episode is all about fear. There are hundreds of species of sharks and, of those, about 10 are monster-sized! Most shark bites are only as dangerous as dog bites. Yet, in a world where Jaws dominates our perception of sharks, Discovery has chosen to open its show with “evidence” that a 30 meter long predator whose one tooth is the size of a human fist could be alive and killing in our Oceans. How on earth does a 20 meter long carnivorous fish weighing 10 tonnes and feeding on whales hide? Personally, I was hoping to see less emphasis on larger species like the Great White and Tiger Sharks which have an overhyped reputation as monstrous killers and more focus on the smaller species that tell the beautiful side of the shark story. We often speak of an elusive sixth sense in humans, but sharks actually have a very concrete one: their ampullae of Lorenzini that enables them to detect currents in the microamperes coming from information being transmitted across nerve cells in other creatures! They can detect a drop of blood in an Olympic sized swimming pool and identify whether it comes from a species of interest to them. They have inhabited the earth even before the dinosaurs, survived the asteroid that exterminated most forms of life on our planet, and are still patrolling our waters today. These are the fascinating details you miss out on when you focus on the bloodthirsty monster image of sharks!

My other main issue with this Megalodon episode has to do with the protagonist itself. The Megalodon was a true master of the Ocean: a giant apex predator whose jaws could open wide enough to engulf a one storey house. Its story, inextricably linked to that of the whale, has the potential to be a novel that would dazzle and amaze everyone reading it. Think of this giant predatory species patrolling the Ocean some 2 million years ago feasting on whales: it was the perfect predator, too perfect in fact! When the ice age came and as the Oceans froze, the whales fled to colder waters to escape their predator. The Megalodon, too perfect for its previous temperate environment, could unfortunately not cope fast enough with these drastically changing temperatures. Left alone in the cold waters and without food, the revered King of the Oceans slowly died while the leviathans survived to become the giant blue whales and dolphins we know today.

It is this kind of hard science that makes the Megalodon a fascinating creature: one whose only imperfection was that it was perfect. A beautiful case study of the marvels of Evolution! And it is in this light that Discovery should have portrayed the animal. But they chose ratings over science and education. So now, you can forget about educated fascination for the animal. Instead, now every kid who goes swimming in the sea and sees a dark shadow in the water is going to run out in tears screaming “MOMMY IT’S THE MEGALODON!!!!!”

Dear Chuck Noris fans,

    BEHOLD! 

The great Chuck Noris has finally met his master. The Premier League, in association with the Serie A, have  been the stage upon which emerged the master of the master: Mario Balotelli! Chuck Noris's reign of terror is over, and now begins the reign of Super Mario. A look at his facts will tell you everything you need to know:

• Mario Balotelli’s feet can turn grass into GOLD… too bad he is allergic to grass.
• Mario Balotelli can EAT milk… he loves yoghurt!

• Mario Balotelli reads Hebrew from left to right… Mario Balotelli does not know how to read Hebrew.
• Mario Balotelli once drew a circle with a ruler… he was actually holding a compass; he thought it was a ruler.
• Mario Balotelli once had to pay his taxes, so he sent the revenue agency a picture of himself. THE NEXT DAY... he was fined for refusing to pay his taxes.
• Magicians can make impossible become possible… Mario Balotelli can make possible become impossible.
• Mario Balotelli was once asked how he could cross the Grand Canyon. He said "bring a rope” and tried using it to pull the Canyon together... but then the rope snapped and he fell awkwardly and broke his arm.
• Mario Balotelli once got bitten by a rattle snake and after three days of pain and agony… he was admitted to Intensive Care.
• If it looks like chicken, smells like chicken, feels like chicken, and tastes like chicken but MARIO BALOTELLI SAYS ITS BEEF... then Mario Balotelli does not know the difference between chicken and beef.
• Mario Balotelli has never been invited to a housewarming party because he always burns the house down… by lighting firecrackers without adult supervision. 

• Mario Balotelli does not hit on women, he soaks them with water.

And finally,

• Football's greatest legends like Pele and Maradona have been the architects of impossible goals… Mario Balotelli has been the architect of an impossible miss.
  
  So, to everyone reading this: YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Eats fish, sometimes people...

I remember in primary school, one of my textbooks had a drawing of a shark underneath which was written "Eats fish, sometimes people". It was love at first sight; staring at that "monster" thinking it could swallow me in one bit gave me goosebumps of fascination. Popular media did not help at all: who has not shivered while watching the movie Jaws when, all of a sudden, a fin appears out of nowhere, drags a swimmer underwater, and the sea just turns red amidst screams and yells? I have come to realise though, over the years, that all of this is just mainstream sensationalism. Only about 50 to 70 human attacks, of which 5 to 15 are fatal, are recorded every year around the world, and most of them are cases of mistaken identity. By cruel irony, I learned that there were no man eating sharks, but shark eating men. 

Every year, some 73 million sharks are killed for their fins. These are the principal ingredient for a Chinese broth, also flavoured with chicken or some other stock. Shark fin soup, a delicacy costing over $ 100 the bowl, is served on special occasions like weddings and banquets. With the growth of the Chinese economy, the soup has become more affordable, as more and more people are shifting from poor to middle class. Sharks are being massively slaughtered in the most gruesome ways to satisfy the demands of the fin market. They are simply pulled out of the water, their fins cut off, and the body thrown back at sea to avoid losing precious cargo space. Unable to swim but still alive, they drown and die or are eaten by other fishes. The situation is so dramatic that many species of sharks, especially the Hammerhead, are now under serious threat of extinction. In some, the population has dropped as much as 80% these last 50 years. 

Most sharks are the apex predators- the ones lying at the top of the food chain- of their ecosystems. If they were to disappear, ecological disasters would certainly ensue. But this argument is an old one and statistics clearly demonstrate it does not ring in the ears of people. However, more importantly, a study performed by the US Food and Drug Administration found that mercury levels in shark fins were among the highest in commercial fish and shellfish. They were found to contain an average of 0.988 PPM (Parts per Million) of Mercury, about 1000 times higher than the average in Hakes (0.014 PPM). Mercury poisoning manifests itself in the form of sensory impairment, disturbed sensation, and lack of coordination. In an era where health hazards are more and more numerous, this should be a matter of concern.

Part of the irony of shark finning also lies in the fact that it is bad business. Unlike more common fish like tuna, sharks are not prized for their body meat; only the fins are consumed. Given that fishing sharks does require quite a bit of investment (because most of them are caught in open water), the fins have to be sold at very high prices for healthy profit margins. It is like travelling to the African Savannah and putting yourself through all the trouble of killing a lion in order to cut its tail off and sell it. Meanwhile your clever neighbour with better business acumen just went to the nearby forest, hunted out a boar and sold all of its meat! Another issue is that the market demand for shark fin is not that high since consumers are mainly from Asian countries. So yeah, good luck finding someone willing to spend a fortune on that lion tail! 

But this begs a more important question: why do people consume an expensive piece of meat with high levels of mercury that has no taste? 

Mainstream propaganda has often been quoted saying all kinds of nonsense about shark fin: medicine that can cure cancer, other therapeutic properties, an aphrodisiac... you name it. However, all of that is utter nonsense. Shark fin has very little flavour of its own. It only adds texture to the soup and the fins are often treated with Hydrogen Peroxide for that purpose.  The only real reason why people eat shark fin soup is, to me, more subtle. The one characteristic feature of sharks that has given them this fallacious image of terrors of the oceans is their dorsal fins. People are eating the sensation, not the meat. Never-mind our oceans being plundered....

Fortunately, consciousness about shark finning is raising. Chinese basketball superstar Yao Ming has pledged to stop eating it at a news conference in 2006. Finning is banned in the Eastern Pacific. In South Africa, known for its seas infested with Great White Sharks, shark fishing is banned. Moreover, South Africa has been able to conciliate ends by proposing a new activity: shark cage diving. People are placed in a cage underwater while a Great White is lured nearby with meat balls. Shark cage diving offers real sensation-that of being with a 6m long shark in open water-as opposed to shark fin soup. It is not the ideal ecological solution, but it is a good compromise between preservation and economy. This year, Hawaii became the first state in the US to pass a law that banned the possession, sale, and distribution (but curiously enough not fishing) of shark fins. Hopefully more countries will follow.

Sharks have patrolled our oceans even before dinosaurs walked on our continents. By contrast, it has only been about ten years since I read that one sentence which made me fall in love with them. They are an amazing species with fascinating adaptations, capable of detecting micro-currents only the most sophisticated lab equipment in my Physics laboratories at school could detect. However, today they are in great danger of becoming extinct because of us humans. I now realise that what I read ten years ago was wrong. What my textbook should have had was the picture of a man/woman underneath which should have been written "Eats junk, sometimes sharks".